Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
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There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them