Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
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That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.