[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
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Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Stop sending me this shit.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Attacked by a mop.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.