Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
You Might Also Like
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
me hitting on a model
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.