I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
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Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.