Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
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text from my dad when lebron broke the record
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.