doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
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Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
this is so top tier i cant
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
oh my god
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.