Twitter is an abusement park.
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A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*