I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
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Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza