Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
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We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.