i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
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I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I feel seen.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.