Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
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Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
birds and squirrels envy us
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
no!! no!!!!!!
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
If snakes were wide
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.