I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
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I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
*limbos away from your hug*
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Everyone’s family
Me checking my bank balance online.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”