[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
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4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Me too, bag. Me too….
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅