If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
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Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh