I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
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Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now