GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
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My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
my proudest tweet
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions