Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
You Might Also Like
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.