I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
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Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.