I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
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The pasta is now
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
#Caturday
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.