[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
You Might Also Like
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.