Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
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Saw your ex at the shops
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
tis the season
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
A huge thanks to the person that did this
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always