interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
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Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.