Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
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[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Encore…
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Just how popey was the pope today?
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog