I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
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squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.