HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
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McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
going to the ER y’all need anything
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.