I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
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Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Twitter is an abusement park.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…