In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
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Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I ate everything, including the H.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer