The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
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3% human
97% stress
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents