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Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
This made me chuckle cuz mood
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
when someone compliments me
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
i made a craigslist ad !