Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
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[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.