Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
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Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
black phone good
inside you are two wolves
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Love is in the air fryer.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.