Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
You Might Also Like
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
boat question
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?