Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
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Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
S O O N
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.