The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
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One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Heroic Misunderstanding
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
❤️🦆
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing