i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
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What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
quarantine day 3
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Worlds greatest photobomb