When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
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I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Breaking news:
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket