Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
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My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
😂😂😂
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah