lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
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Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish