ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
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Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it