Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
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If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Facebook Twitter
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.