Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
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Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I don’t think my car can fly
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
This is the best one I’ve seen
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
some things should go without saying
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.