Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
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date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…