My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
You Might Also Like
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Am I having a stroke?
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”