Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
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I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.