Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
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*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”