Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
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“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life