*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
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Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.