I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
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Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website