How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
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My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Barbie gone wild
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.